Hahahaha I know that is a disgusting title, but once you get to know me better, you’ll understand that I think most disgusting things are meant to be jokes. And this statement has nothing to do whatsoever with anything, except I point out my own jokes. Does that mean I am actually not funny? Wait don’t answer that, I want to live in the delusion that yes, I am hilarious.
I have an itch, and I know it hasn’t even been a full day since my last blog, but I am obsessed and can no longer control my urge to let the world know what I think. Once I start, its actually difficult to shut me up, I used to be a quiet girl. (Shocking, I know). So I was lying in bed this morning, thinking about all of the topics I could write about next. The first thing that popped into my mind was apologizing for calling a man nasty names in my last blog. Because inevitably, whenever I say anything that could hurt another person; my conscience speaks to me, saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” (Which by the way is my mother’s voice in my head, thanks mom!) But I say, nah, he’s a big boy he can take it, and also I was mean and nice in my blog, that makes up for it right? Atleast, this is what I am telling myself, and he accepted my request to follow his blog. I think this means I should ignore the mom voice in my head, and write about change. Yes that is the itch I am refering to.
My life to say the least in the last two years has changed so immensely I don’t even know where to start. In fact, every three months give or take, I have made a big change. Here, is where I am imagining you, the reader, saying “do tell, what kinds of changes?” But I think this may just be that my narcissism is showing. Okay, so in the last two years: I left my commonlaw husband, I changed careers twice, I chose to both start and stop dating twice, moved two times, and lost my lovely cat of 8 years; and now I am considering moving once more. And as if this was not enough, the itch has hit me again. Am I doing myself justice? I don’t know. My local pub was just sold to new owners, and this change hit me pretty hard. They cancelled karaoke, and that pissed me off. I can’t sing if my life depended on it, but performing for karaoke is fun, and I do it every week. I even have some fans. In part, because I have a silly stage presence, and partly becuase I choose really inappropriate yet hilarious songs. You should see my version of The Divinyls “I Touch Myself” its really something. Anyways, when there is a place that you go to regularly, or when there is a job you attend, or see a man you love everyday; its crazy hard to just walk away. It might be good for you, expand your horizons, gain a new skill, new hobby, or fall in love again. But it is f***ing hard in the mean time.
Sometimes too, and this is just a theory here, if you need to change; your life punches you in the face. For instance, six years ago, I was so unhappy with my job and where my life was heading, I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my hand. Lately, I have been wanting to move out on my own again. (I have roomates). My cat passed away, then twice in one week, my usually very relaiable Chevy broke down, and work has been crazy hard. But what does that mean? Does it mean hurry the f**** up and move already or does that mean stay? Tough it out, shake it off, and woman up, so to speak. All I know is that my literally tiny room feels like it is swallowing me up, the abyss has sucked me under and I can’t fight my way out. Dear reader, you should know that I am not a recluse, but I do like to have my own space. I lived on my own for years, and living with roomates, even roomates that I am friends with and care about, is very difficult to do. The truth is I am defensive about my living space, and I can be a territorial bitch when I feel backed into a corner. And I feel I would rather keep my friends than stay.
I have lost my point, see change confuses people. And for two years I have been confused, I just want the dust to settle before I move on again. Is this considered running away? Sometimes I think this may be the answer… I have always wanted to see Scotland… Friends, don’t panic I don’t have enough money saved for this, but may be I should start. This is a terrible conclusion, forgive me, ask me in a few months, there might be an ending then. So this post has taken me almost a week to complete…damn stress, damn confusion, damn the abyss!